I meet with the Rabbi tommorrow

And as part of the process I started the blog with I am going to give a ling to this site over to him. And when I get home from work I will probably post something about what I learned today

I am Jack's Religious Introspective Insight

Tyler Durden: Shut up! Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?
Narrator: No, no, I... don't...
Tyler Durden: Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.
Narrator: It isn't?

While I do have many aspects of philosophical nihilism incorporated into my spiritual and philosophical beliefs I want to reflect on this for a moment in a less nihilistic capacity. We see in Judaism Abraham being asked to sacrifice his only favored and effectively only son, who he had at an age that is staggering to the modern mind. G-d who promised him a great nation asked of him to take that son and put him on a high mountain and take his life. G-d did this to see how deep the devotion of Abraham was. We see also in the Book of Job a man confronted with bad things happening to him and the overall message (as I see it) is you cannot comprehend G-d. Here in extremes we see two opposite poles. G-d is infinite and unknowable, but we come to know g-d by the presence of his hand in creation tracing a line through the stream of history.

I think G-d is bigger then just a representation of our fathers. Our mother is also there, as is the larger fullness of our family and community. As g-d made things finite and tangible so he could come to us and express himself to us, so we follow his example and try to understand him.

I have a relationship with g-d where he 'speaks' to me. But I now have been given cause to reflect. Is my connection and relationship to g-d driven my the lack of clarity caused by my family life, or does g-d approach me with that tone and message because these pathways are already born into me.

But right now, I am partial to Wrath.

As I am going through my process I want to start by clearing some of my thoughts and emotions out of my own head and putting them into words. But I want to open with a movie quote

The Operative: Do you know what your sin is, Mal?
Mal: Aw, hell, I'm a fan of all seven. [headbutts the Operative and pulls the sword out.] But right now, I'm partial to wrath.

My Paternal Grandmother died, and I never really had a time to metabolize that loss.
My Paternal Grandfather died, and I never really had a chance to say goodbye, or to
be there to have full closure.
My Maternal Grandfather is in the middle of the Dementia Process. I have lost the man he was and their is a whole lot of family drama (I won't get into now) where he has been denied the best care and his human dignity.
My Maternal Grandmother is in poor health but as my Grandfather has gotten worse the bad of her personality has gotten worse. She is largely emotionally cold and distant, except when she is putting on airs. She is an idolater. She spreads rumors and promotes discord in the family. She is a narcissist and a hypocrite. She is at the center of the family drama regarding my grandfather.
My Maternal Uncle is an Idolater, and a profane human being. He is connected to the family drama regarding my grandfather
The rest of my extend family who I love dearly, for most of them I feel like I have fallen out of their lives. While some connections have improved due to the decline of my grandfather but we are being united and brought close in negative feelings. And largely speaking I am marginally part of their lives. I wanted to do more, but I was unable to do more in that regard myself. I felt a deep sense of guilt about that but I feel alone in that regard.

My father was a distant man. He abandoned me because of his new wife. While I have some degree of normalcy in the relationship with my father alienation has largely dominated it.

My mother who I love dearly has not been the type of mother I wanted her to be, and probably not even the type of mother she should have been for me. This is not to take from my mother the love I have for her and the love she has for me. This is not to take from my mother the excellent job (against serious odds) she did in providing for my material needs.

So I come with this sense of anger, disturbance, and alienation in my family life to Judaism and I look across the people in the Shul. While they may not have any better or worse families then I did (and some most likely don't) I see a warmth of family connection that has been denied me.

G-D has brought me to shul and in prayer and meditation he has shown me this pain and wound in my heart that I truly did not know I had. I pray to g-d that as I move further down my road I will be healed of this pain and wound in my heart. I pray that this process teaches me what I want and need, so I can provide that good to my future children and family.

The start of Something

So I have decided to start the process of conversion. I have been working on this journey for a little over a month.

My first visit with the rabbi we discussed the role of Jewish Prayer, and the next visit will be discussing the role of the Jewish Holidays and Calender.

So I have decided to take this old project blog and throw it to this new purpose. (talking about this new Journey God is leading me on)

Hope the hand full or two of fans will enjoy it